Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
