third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
