just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
