Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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