You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
