are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
