at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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