You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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