Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm too high and old for this...
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