I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
