someone threw a dead crab at me
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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