you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
