you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
