ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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