its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
