I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
