The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize