Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
