Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
