Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
