it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
