Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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