I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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