i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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