i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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