she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
