apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
