sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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