I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
