oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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