Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
