3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
