I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
