she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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