Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
