Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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