woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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