I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
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he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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