I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
