I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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