dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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