god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
