She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
is that a dick in a sweater?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
