Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
