you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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