She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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