Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
