Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
