i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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