I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
