I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
