Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
