I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
