Yo dont text me then not text me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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