last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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