Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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