where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
