You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
too bad you live with your parents still
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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